I had my pre-op meeting with the plastic surgeon who will 'close me up' at the end of APR surgery next month. I was shocked to hear that he plans to remove my pelvic floor muscles and take my gracilis muscles (from both inner thighs) to replace them. Up until this point no one has mentioned removing/moving muscles, so I am in shock. There will be a long scar down the inside of each thigh, in addition to the other (less visible) scars that I was anticipating. In addition he painted a picture of a much longer recovery and enumerated scary complications that had not been explained to me before. I don't know why I am getting different stories from my different doctors. I did check out the things the plastic surgeon told me with my cancer support group, and they confirmed the lengthy recovery and myriad of possible complications.
The plastic surgeon said to plan on three months off work to recover. I already told work I would take 6 weeks off, which is what my colo-rectal surgeon had told me. Im scared! Will I be able to return to a healthy, productive, and active life? This surgery is a much bigger deal than I anticipted! Trying to take it all in but the tears keep coming this evening. I WANT MY NORMAL LIFE BACK!!!
My poor, darling Juanita! I can only cry with you right now! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so unfair, and so daunting! I would be washed away by despair if I were in your place, but I know you are stronger than me, and will hold on tight to the slippery rocks of hope. Because, by all accounts, you should be able to have a good life, a rewarding life, after undergoing this traumatic passage, and I believe you will.
ReplyDeleteI am not at all surprised that you have gotten different stories from different doctors. In my experience, doctors only know their little piece of the puzzle, and one of the most difficult things for a patient or patient advocate to do is to try and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Since you have some time before the surgery, I would encourage you to seek a second or third opinion, and make sure that you have the absolutely best surgeon available, with the most advanced technique. Nothing could be more important to your successful recovery, and you should be satisfied that you're in the best hands. If I can help in researching this, let me know.
In the meantime, feel the sun on your face, hug your husband and children, and seek out the first flowers of spring. You must trust that, though there will certainly be tough times ahead, there will also be so many wonderful moments, when the joy of life will buoy you up. I hope I can be there to share them with you. I send my love to you, and Steve, and can't wait to give you a huge hug in person!
HiSweetie, tough times as you hear more about what may be the reality you face. PLEASE remember you are hearing about the next 4-6 months and imagining it all at once.Of course thats overwhelming. And while you did not choose to have cancer, you can always choose your response to what is happening. It's wonderful that you give yourself the space to be frightened, to be scared,'ask Will life ever be normal, and then please remember to answer those questions with the strength of the love that you are. While at times it may serve to see the overall picture, it's always important to stay present to the moment. The overall picture will be too overwhelming at times but take it in moments, Each moment you have the choice to respond from courage and with Grace. That's who you are Janey and that you will always be regardless of how many body parts you have or don't, regardless of how many scars go up and down your leg. Youve got this Sistah! I love you !
ReplyDeleteMy dearest Jane. I hope you are feeling better tonight than Thursday night. I can only imagine how scared and angry you must be feeling to have tough news piled on top of already tough news. It's horrible. And you are right to be frustrated at your numerous docs giving you inconsistent prognoses. I wish I could be with you to give you a hug and share a glass of wine. I'm sorry to have missed the girls weekend in February and potentially another one coming up next weekend. I hope to come up and see you soon at a good time for you. I love you Jane!!
ReplyDeleteDear Jane; this sucks. We remember a saying from our previous life: "tant qu'il ya de la vie, il y a de l'espoir". As long as there's life, there's hope. You must know that your family and your friends are thinking of you every day and will try to walk with you everywhere you have to go. Love, R & A.
ReplyDeleteMy darling: I somehow missed this post. Of course you want your normal life back. I SO wish that could be so, and so sorry for this added info; it super sucks to have more "sprung" on you, and your tears and fear and rage are totally understandable.
ReplyDeleteDon't know details on the complications, but am happy to hear if/when you want to talk about them. I am really sorry that recovery looks to be longer than you'd anticipated.
I know you're in a different moment now from when you wrote this, so gonna remind you: one step at a time. Hearing that the pelvic floor muscles will be removed sounds bad, but they're being replaced with other muscle tissue to preserve function, which is great. PT will likely be a huge help when you're ready for it. And for what it's worth re: losing the gracilis — it's an agonist (helps with) hip adduction and knee flexion; both actions have a bunch of other muscles more primarily responsible for those actions (i.e., the gracilis is not the major one for either). It's used for a number of surgical muscle "replacement" procedures b/c it's a relatively "dispensable" one. So I imagine that down the road, you won't find your mobility much changed b/c of it.
So the answer is YES! There will be a new normal, but you will return to a healthy, productive, and active life, if not precisely as soon as you'd hoped. It will happen in time. And as Richard says, I will do my best "to walk with you everywhere you have to go." Big love / Debra