DONE!!!

As the chemicals from infusion #8 slowly leave my system, it is sinking in that I'm DONE with treatment!! Just in time - I developed involuntary gut-wrenching nausea just getting near the infusion room or looking at the little cups of cranberry juice they give me during treatments. Bllllleeeeeaaaaaaaacccchhhhh! Infusion #8 was the worst of them all - but - it is OVER!! 'Nuff said on that... time to move forward! 

So, now I am in the wait-and-see phase of treatment. People talk about this phase being emotionally difficult because you are no longer meeting with doctors every week, no longer actively "doing something" to fight your cancer. You are slowly recovering from treatments, waiting for the next scan, fingers crossed that no single cancer cell escaped the onslaught of your treatments. This period could be especially tough for me given the aggressiveness, treatment-resistance, and lack of information on my particular cancer. 

I don't want to waste any more precious moments worrying about cancer, I want to maximize my enjoyment of life! I plan to visit with a cancer counsellor in the upcoming months to get some good techniques to accomplish this. 

I also want to spend time reflecting on the past year. Dealing with a life-threatening cancer dramatically changes your perspective on many things. I now believe that the effect that many call "post-traumatic growth" is very real. I hope to make the most of the many lessons to be learned from the past year. I will write more on this as the thoughts become clearer in my mind, but for now, know this: support from friends and family can fuel your mind and body to make it through even your worst nightmares. I can't thank you all enough for being by my side throughout the last year, pulling me through. Your love has made all the difference. ❤️

The first day of the rest of her life (Jane finished her treatments)

Jane had the pump removed for the final time (hopefully).  Treatments are over!!!  This treatment hit her hard and she is pretty low energy and nauseous.  Still stealing off for anniversary celebration in Quebec.

Jane will update soon.

Thank you all for caring, loving, and keeping Jane in your thoughts.

Hooked up to LAST infusion!

Early AM steroid-induced blogging again - but hopefully this is the last of such nights! Although my platelets have dropped further and I had to have some bleeding on my stoma checked, my oncologist allowed me to proceed with the last chemo infusions yesterday. When the surgeon who checked my stoma casually said "let's just postpone chemo for a while", I involuntarily screamed "NO"! Between my reaction, the ostomy nurse's opinion that the stoma was healing, and my oncologist's more laissez faire attitude, I was allowed to proceed. The chemo effects are pretty nasty this time. Lots of nausea, muscular cramping, tiredness...BUT I am so pleased that I'm going to have this pump removed (hopefully for the last time) this Friday! 

Cancer certainly runs you through the full gamut of human emotions. For the first 4 months after diagnosis I experienced acute anger, denial, confusion, self-pity and anguish. But as treatments started I came to realize that denial, self-pity and anguish were self-destructive, and I really needed to rally all my emotional resources for the task at hand. I gradually came to resignation, and then finally acceptance. 

Recently, I reflected to Steve (who suffered through many bouts of my crying and "why me-ing" in the first 4 months) that it had been months since I had cried. Well, yesterday after the nurses installed the home-chemo pump for the last time and toasted with tiny cups of ginger-ale, the floodgates opened again. As I walked out the door at Lahey, I realized that the tears really hurt, both as they passed through my inner tear ducts and as they wet my face. When I realized that the chemo in my body was likely coming out in my burning tears, I stifled the emotion and washed my face. I will need to save the indulgence of tears for a future date. I am sure many opportunities will arrive in upcoming months as I adjust, recover from, and reflect upon this year. 

Have a wonderful week everyone! Looks like we're in for a stretch of lovely weather and a delightful late-summer weekend. 🌟Please enjoy every moment, dear friends and family!!

Slight complication?

I am up at 2 AM the night before my (hopefully) last chemo treatment, worrying. Yesterday I discovered a bleeding/scabbing issue with my stoma. The doctors think it might be related to chemo, perhaps low platelets. I was asked to come in early Wednes to be checked, stoma as well as blood. SO....back to possible delay in finishing treatment, we'll see. UGH - just want to be DONE so I can start healing.

I'll post when I have more info. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Platelets rebound!

Just heard from my oncologist. Blood test results they took yesterday were actually a bit higher, so I am back on schedule to finish up my last infusions August 23-25. Never thought I’d be happy to hear I have an infusion - but YAY! Must have been those healthy blueberries that I ate this weekend in Vermont. And all the good juju y'all sent me, of course!

Platelets

My Fitbit is angry and is letting me know. It does not like infusion days as they lead to unhealthy long periods of sitting. My stomach and extremities are angry too, as infusion days lead to nausea, cold intolerance, cramping and pain. But I am not angry - this is infusion #7 - the second to last! What a long strange trip it has been.

One glitch this week. My platelets are in the danger zone. I will need to go in next week to have another blood draw, and they may postpone treatment #8 if they continue to drop. Platelets allow the blood to clot, so they worry about uncontrolled bleeding should platelets drop too low. I reminded Steve to drive carefully on the way home from the hospital today - no bloody car accidents please- he listened!

I have been asked to be a volunteer to talk with others who have my cancer, and have my 3rd volunteer call tonight. The most interest seems to be from people whose cancer has advanced to the point where they have been recommended APR surgery. Talking with people about APR surgery is difficult for me as I still feel ambivalent myself. It is still a bit early for me to be a good counselor I think, my feelings have not settled. Living with a colostomy is a big, disruptive life change, no question about it. It is forever - even after the more immediate pains and concerns with treatments have subsided, the colostomy remains.

On the other hand, I know of people who have refused the dreaded APR surgery who have died when the cancer spread. I know my APR probably saved my life. So, although the feelings are mixed, I try to be both positive and honest with my counselees. In time, I think I will get this all clearer in my head.

I'll post later once I get blood test results next week. Hoping I can proceed forward and finish up all the treatments by the end of August. I am already planning a kickass fall!

Love y'all!! 💕💕💕💕💕

Chemo Cocktail #6

Chemo cocktail #6 hit me like a ton of bricks, and I pretty much had to go straight to bed when I got back from the hospital yesterday. I am told the later chemo sessions are the worst. The weird (but now familiar) side effects are back: extreme sensitivity to cold, cramping in legs, feet and hands, soreness in mouth and jaw, burning when I pee out the caustic cocktail (courtesy of prior pelvic radiation), and lack of appetite (only weird because I usually have a great Italian appetite)!  Now I am up early from the dose of steroid they give me with the oxaliplatin. No way am I falling back asleep with this stuff coursing through my veins. I guess this is becoming my regular blogging hour.

My blood tests yesterday show dropping RBCs and low hematocrit, which I think is causing the tiredness. But my WBCs are staying high enough that I don't have to worry too much about germs, or needing an infusion. I saw my radiation oncologist this week and she said that I probably have "good bone marrow", meaning my blood is better able to respond to the onslaught of chemo. My hair continues to fall out, but I still have more than 50% of it. Glad I chopped it - the thinning would be much more noticeable had I left it long.

The last 2 weeks have been busy with work and fitting in as many summertime activities as I have energy for. Finally got my big EPA grant and budget pulled together and we plan to upload it next Monday. Huge sigh of relief once that is done! I do enjoy getting out and usually feel better afterwards. Living a life as close to my normal one makes me feel more optimistic and more like the "real" me. This seems important to my physical and mental health right now.

Thanks to friends who have accompanied me at the hospital and on walks, meals, and movies! Thanks to those of you still checking in during this long, drawn out ordeal! It seems like forever since I started chemo and radiation the end of 2016. But I am seeing a light at the end of this tunnel and am feeling pretty optimistic right now.

Love you all ❤️